I recall a story that happened about two or three generations ago. At that time, usually a girl had no say regarding whom her husband would be. Her father would select a man he would consider suitable, and that would be it. She had so many dreams and hopes about her future husband. Her father, however, picked a very unsuitable man. At the night of their wedding, when they entered their bedroom he went to bed and slept, without even looking at her.
Reactions to life's difficult situations do vary. There can, understandably, be some negative feelings. Some might want to raise the issue loudly. Some might stay silent, give up hope and surrender to sorrow. However, this girl did not have any negative thoughts about her father or her husband or about the whole situation. She performed ablution and prayed, then sat all night quietly.
Awhadi was a Persian Sufi who said once in a poem: "For sixty years Awhadi strived [to reach Realization/Fath (Great opening)], until one night of great fortune, it happened. [It was when he was 60 years old, so, he counted all his life up to that point as a period of continuous effort]." According to the story of that young woman, she reached a level of very precious realization, in that specific night. It took sixty years in Awhadi's case. It could have been a dull and frustrating night, but it turned out to be a night 'of great fortune' for her. It appears that the angle one selects to see and react to events in existence, makes a whole lot of a difference.
According to customs, the next morning, ladies (relatives and friends) would gather to visit the newly wedded woman. That morning, that girl was glowing like she was a queen.
Her relationship with her husband did become normal later on, but I wonder how important that was to her, compared to what she had gained in that night?
Notes:
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Traditionally, children are taught early how to perform daily prayers. It does become a matter of daily routine for many. Some, however, live it and experience the prayers vividly. It is not just a daily routine to them.
Some parents teach their children to be always clean hygienically and spiritually through ablution. And to memorize simple prayers (Azkar) they recite for instance before going to bed, when waking up, when going out of the home or when they come back, etc. Again, it can be a matter of routine for many, but not so for some.
An interesting sign about such people might be noticed when they face a difficult situation. They can appear confused, not knowing what to do exactly, but strangely enough, not panicked. A steady recitation of azkar kicks in instinctively in such situations. And it is like they sort of know for certain that things will be all right, even if they do not know how or when.
Azkar can be seen as recipes. Experienced Sufis prescribe different Azkar suitable for different people trying to advance themselves on the spiritual path. Purity of heart, however, is by far the most important factor for advancement. It can take some people a long time to attain such purity. And it might be just natural for some people. All that is needed in the case of such people, is just a little nudge, and how they see and react can be the key to open the door of "great fortune".
Sufis have a saying that goes: Who did not find God did not find anything of much worth, and who found God did not miss anything.
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A great gift a parent or a teacher can give a child is to let him or her swim on his/her own, without support or further guidance. That bit is pretty clear. But, can there be a better gift?
Ibn Ata-Ellah says (Hekam #53) : "It is strange, very strange, of someone to run [or try to run] away from what he cannot disengage from, and to seek [to stay with] what cannot remain with him."
Naturally, Sufis are interested in more than what meets the eyes. It is normal for them to show how transitory is the nature of existence with all its appearances, including parents, family, spouse, offspring and friends. The statement can be seen as talking about two levels. When time is considered: Nothing and no one can be there for ever. When time is not considered, there is a deeper more constant aspect in one's existence that needs to be paid attention to: Relationship with God. Everyone will experience [Quran 50:22] "now have We removed thy veil, and sharp is thy sight" the difference is for something like that to happen now, or in the hereafter.
It is normal for a human being to have a strong attachment to some human beings around him or her. It should be mentioned that kindness and naturally flowing feelings for people around one, are definitely not cancelled or belittled, they are just seen within a much wider context. And it is important for surroundings not to hinder sight of what is beyond.
There is a Hadith where Aisha (RA) described how the Prophet (PUH) would be in the house talking and helping with chores, and then the call for Prayer is heard and, as she put it "It is like he doesn't know us and we do not know him."
The call for prayer has a special meaning for a believer. The prophet said once to Bilal RA, who was the prophet's preferred person to call for prayer : "Relieve us with it, O Bilal". The routine involvement with daily life is normal, but for a believer at pray time, a certain sense of deep calmness and detachment from all around one is something normal too (the expression in the quoted Hadith appears to be about something mutual).
Orwah Bin Al-Zubair (Aisha RA' nephew) needed a surgical treatment once, and was told to drink wine so he wouldn't feel any pain. He said that he did not need to drink wine, he just needs to start praying. According to the story, Orwah's son was watching his father as he was praying, and at a certain moment he signaled to the doctor that he can proceed. And that was what did happen.
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In the Quran [9:24]:
"Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline; or the dwellings in which ye delight are dearer to you than God, or His Apostle, or the striving in His cause; then wait until God brings about His Decision: and God guides not the rebellious."
First of all, the first Surah in the Quran starts with: "Praise be to God the Cherisher and the Sustainer of the Worlds". Looking at a verse, it is normal that some might concentrate on the physical or historical aspects of what a certain verse says, which might basically be fine. However, there are "Worlds", and not just the world that we are familiar with. And it is not unusual or unexpected for the meanings of a verse to span more than just the physical world or the particular historical context when it was revealed.
As I understand Ibn Ajeebah's comment on this verse (Al-Bahr Al-Madeed) it appears that the word Fasiqoon (which Yusuf Ali translated as "the rebellious") can also point to those who stop at the land (awareness level) where one is busy with appearances, unwilling to move on. It is natural that if there is unwillingness to move further ahead, that no further guidance is of use.
Second, it is notable how the verse lists Parents, Children, Siblings, Spouse, one's relatives and friends and one's community or nation, then precious belongings including money, houses and businesses, in other words things that might normally be considered sources of support in one's earthly life. They are easily noticeable aspects, about physical surroundings. As I understand, for advanced believers, there is an implicit warning in the verse: Do not fail seeing through such surroundings. This point is stressed further in the next verse (9:25), portraying how it is possible to feel strong and confident with availability of various means of support, yet such means, regardless of size and quality, can sometimes be of little or no avail. Again, it is important here to note that it is not about such aspects being cancelled or ignored, it is just about that they definitely should not be a barrier or an obstacle hindering sight of what is beyond, and they should not be seen as having any innate or natural power or traits. Real and ultimate support is constantly and only God's support, the Creator and sustainer of all things.
I recall a story about Prophet Sulaiman peace be upon him, noticing a person watching the prophet and all the surroundings with admiration and amazement. The prophet said to him something to the effect: If I lose attention toward God for one moment, all this will be gone. Having a penetrating Insight and ability to see through appearances and surroundings does not appear to be an option for the elite and the advanced believers.
Next, regarding appearances, it seems that as stronger the attachment is to surroundings and the "dearer" they are, the less "clearer" one's sight is about what is beyond appearances. It might appear that there is an inverse relationship, but as I understand, it seems to be so only when the relationship is seen from a level of awareness where the attachment is strong to appearances. Once passed that level, and the importance of Knowing God becomes "clearer" and "dearer", a more relaxed and balanced view is gained within a much wider context than before. In the same comment noted above, Ibn Ajeebah mentions how important is the balanced view.
* Lessons on the Path
- It is normal for someone in a difficult situation to be tense and look around for assistance. An interesting aspect of a Sufi view of existence is how, at least some of them, in a similar situation would appear calm and not looking around for help, and behave in a wise manner. From the inside, feeling a stronger presence of God. The relationship with God is stronger and far deeper than any other relationship.
- However, some adults might find this kind of lessons tough to teach. But maybe it is natural when the experience of the Presence of God, runs in the family. Sahl Ibn Abdullah Al-Tasturi was a known Sufi. He tells a very interesting story (Narrated by Imam Al-Ghazali in Al-Ihia, P. 769) that happened when he was a child. He lived with his uncle (his mother's brother) Muhammad Ibn Sawar. And when the child would wake up in the middle of the night he would often find his uncle praying. One night, the uncle noticed that the child was awake, and said to him: "Wouldn't you like to remember God who created you?". Sahl said "How do I remember Him?". The uncle said "Say with your Heart and without moving your tongue 'Allah is with me. Allah is watching me. Allah witnesses me.'" That became a habit for the little child. And as he said, he found a certain sweetness in that simple remembrance, even when he was a little child, and it continued to grow as he became older.
- On one's personal spiritual path, there is sometimes a time constraint. Many may have seen a video of a huge deer herd migrating, and a calf is born and it has only minutes to either stand up and start running or be left behind. Probably in a somewhat similar way, there are sort of windows of short times, and within such periods, selecting the right way to see and react to events (sometimes very mundane and might even be seemingly unimportant) can mean the difference between going forward or staying where one is. There is a Hadith which means: There are (at times) special bounties (a general expression that can include spiritual advancement) flowing from your Lord, prepare yourself for such times (that come unexpectedly).
- Sometimes, a big movement on the spiritual path requires a sort of a jump and not just a gradual step by step movement. Spartans were known for their way of raising children. A child either makes it spectacularly or not at all. When it comes to spiritual awakening, something similar seems to have happened numerous times. And it was not just in any particular culture.
- The father in the story above might be seen as inconsiderate. Was he a "Spartan parent"? Who knows.
Sa'eed Ibn Al-Musayyab was a well-known scholar in the first Hejri century. He had a well brought up daughter. The Caliph thought that his son would be better off with such a girl. So, Sa'eed was asked to give his daughter in marriage to the caliph's son. Sa'eed's response was negative. Not only that, he asked one of his poor students to marry his daughter. He thought that, spiritually, his daughter would be better off that way. They got married, and the next morning the husband was preparing to go out. The wife asked where he was going, and he said "To study and learn from your father". She said "You can stay home, and I will teach you all that Sa'eed knows." The father taught her every thing he knew. That was probably the basis for her to see "Sa'eed" as a peer. There are no further details, but it seems to me that the decision was not made by "Sa'eed" alone. So, despite appearances, maybe he does not qualify as a Spartan Parent. However, that does not have to mean that Spartan Parents and Teachers do not exist.
- As for the girl, it might be thought that she was not behaving according to "normal" fight/flight or anger/despair scenarios, but maybe things can be different from what appears on the surface.
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"Fight or Flight" is a known subject: Facing a certain situation, one is either "brave" or a "coward". However, people of deep religious understanding have a different way to look at things. What is the "wise" thing to do or say might be far more important to some people than to "appear brave" or to "appear a coward".
Decision making can be based on emotions or whims. And it can be seen as based on rational means. The latter is obviously better. There is, however, a different way of decision making.
When rational thinking reigns in one's mind, it is obvious that thoughts based on emotions appear weaker and they are less likely to contribute in decision making. It seems that rational thinking looks similarly, when Wisdom is the basis of decision making. In that case, for some people, emotions and mental faculties take a back seat. But, it seems that not everyone appreciates or is interested to know about it.
By the way, just as feelings/emotions don't disappear or are cancelled altogether when rational means are adopted, neither rational means or feelings are cancelled when wisdom is the basis of decision making. It is about the limits of the view of existence that is considered.
Another point, when a "wise decision" appears, it is often seen "wearing" something. Interpretation of a behavior or a saying or a decision is normally affected by one's background. Some might consider feelings and emotions when they try to understand or interpret a behavior or a decision, others might consider selecting some premises and think of a rational basis.
It might not always be straightforward to see what is the wisdom or where is it exactly in a certain situation or a certain scene.
Everyone knows about emotions, and many understand how mental reasoning is improved and honed, but how is wisdom gained?
The Quran says [2:269]: "He granteth wisdom to whom He pleaseth; and he to whom wisdom is granted receiveth indeed a benefit overflowing; but none will grasp the Message but men of understanding."
It is not up to one to grant wisdom for oneself. But, Wisdom and Purity of Heart seem to be related. Maybe they are like two faces of a coin, when Purity of Heart is noticed, Wisdom is somewhere around. The Sufi literature is pretty much about Purity of Heart.
As far as I understand the story of the girl, first of all, she did not let thoughts run wild. She simply immersed herself in Zikr. She was most likely brought up in an environment where that is normal. In that specific night, Zikr was not just a calming experience, as it normally would be. And it wasn't just a way to find guidance on one specific problem, as it is sometimes the case. It appears that she found a lot more than she had bargained for.
